I did pedicures this morning with the girls - I have cute toenails, we are now safe to go into labor:

We were by the window in our master bath area and Bennett asked for a picture, too. He was pretty bummed I wasn’t willing to paint his toenails with our new “Fairy Dust” polish - but it is great (this is the non-smelly stuff we bought, HoneyBees) and literally since I first painted Mo’s nails with it she has STOPPED BITING HER NAILS. I painted her nails before and it didn’t deter the biting at all so I’m sure it’s a lot maturity and some novelty but whatever it is she no longer bites her nails and they are beautiful.

Not at all related, Christopher is tearing through the first Harry Potter! Blows me away, he was reading it aloud to us while we painted nails. He seemed to be losing interest in the other chapter books that were geared to early readers and he decided to try that one.

Anyway, the kids wanted pictures and I snapped these:

Then Emy wanted some cuddles - this morning she told me, “I hold baby - in my hands!” She’s ready for Mojo to arrive, too.

Seriously, we make cute babies!!

Trying to explain to C why I’m so exhausted from growing the baby. EXHAUSTED. Falling asleep sitting on my yoga ball trying to keep my eyes open until Kit gets home, or at least give B & E the impression that my eyes are open so they might be less destructive while I doze. I’M SO TIRED.

C asks why I’m so tired, I say growing a baby is a lot of hard work. He says that means I need more calories for energy & announces, “So you need to eat lots of food. Oh, now I know why lots of pregnant women eat lots of food!” Yep, exactly. Hahah!

“We become what we think about all day long.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

The power of the words we tell ourselves all day long… and why I’m trying so hard to make sure I’m surrounding myself with positive birth stories, inspiring friends, and encouraging words.

Kit and I have both observed that we hit 37 weeks (and got news of our little chunk-o-baby) and there’s a HUGE, huge weight off our shoulders. It’s such a wonderful shift in our states of mind - we’re not scared! We’re not having a preemie! We’re probably not going to need the hospital! I can do whatever I want now - carry kids, nest like a crazy woman, start walking in the mornings again. WE MADE IT. Wow. We got through another pregnancy post-preemie and we’re about to welcome baby #5 and we are excited! This morning Emy & Bennett were taking turns “rocking” one of the baby’s outfits in the glider and if you ask Bennett where the baby will sleep he says, “In Mommy & Daddy’s bed!” and I found Emy “nursing” her baby doll yesterday. I think we’re all feeling pretty excited.

C’s fever broke, Emy came in running a temp at 5am but she seems fine now? Just a bit fussy. Praying we’re all healthy before this baby decides to arrive…

I write this, then I realize it’s not the whole story. When I make comments about, “Hopefully we won’t need the hospital,” or “We think we’ll probably be okay once we hit 37 weeks,” I’ve had people tell me that I need to think positive. Assume the best, etc, don’t let myself be scared and worry about those things. (Clearly not people that know me well are saying those things.) But on the other hand, when I speak optimistically about our plans I’m also counseled to remember we may need to transfer to the hospital and things could go wrong and you just never know so we need to be mentally prepared in case things fall apart.
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I don’t know if I feel better or worse after this ultrasound. (I say that with a huge grin.) Last night I told Kit I’m really hoping the baby has cracked at least 5lbs just in case I go soon.

My uterine wall is very thin, but it’s consistently thin because someone’s noggin is pushing down so low - no bulges or areas of concern, she could not even see where my scar should be. Which is what my perinatologist said at an early ultrasound as well - he couldn’t see any scar. But thin wall is normal at this stage of the game.

My amniotic fluid level is low, not too low but close so she wants me to chug a lot of water the next few days.

My belly is measuring, as of last Thursday, 36 cms. There’s a couple cm leeway for that so since I was just under 37 weeks then 36 cms is lovely.

The baby - Emy had an ultrasound the day before she was born for a biophysical profile. On it (same sonographer) she was measuring about 6lbs but we were warned late term ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate because the ratio used to calculate the fat/bone/muscle is off. When she arrived the next day weighing 7lbs 7ozs we were surprised but we knew the ultrasounds could be off so oh, well.

Well.. this baby is 37 weeks and 1 day as of today. This baby’s chest is measuring 39 weeks and 5 days and the baby’s head is measuring just over 40 weeks. The estimated weight is 7lbs 15ozs. Umm… I’m only 37 weeks. And babies gain on average an ounce a day in the last month.

The sonographer kept laughing and asking, “How big were your other kids? How far along did you have them?” She measured twice because she was so surprised by the size, and she reminded me this could be off - BUT it could be off in either direction!! Bigger or smaller. Then we started looking at the baby’s face and body and back of the neck - there are ripples of baby pudge on the back of the baby’s neck. She compared the baby’s cheeks to a stuffed chipmunk. She was laughing at how chubby this baby is… hmm…

We have pictures and video and she did some 3D but honestly her high resolution 2D look just as good. We have pictures of fingernails and she showed me the baby’s hair (not much) and the baby was sucking and blinking and we could see the little tongue going. It was so fun to watch!!

But wow - she said the baby should crack 8lbs tomorrow and said she thinks this will be our biggest baby yet. Unless that ultrasound measurement is dramatically off… I’m 37 weeks. The baby’s head is 40 weeks. Huh.

Emy was our biggest and she really didn’t look pudgy but I just may be growing a chunky baby right now. Wow.

(I emailed my midwife - her response was that she thought I was carrying a bigger baby this time. I guess I’m the last to know. )

Thirty seven weeks. We are cleared for take off by the midwife and photographer. Good to go.

However Christopher has a fever - we’re pretty sure his nasty allergy attack has turned into a sinus infection but we’ll need to decide if we’re going to let his body fight it off for a couple days or head to his pediatrician and confirm this and have the antibiotic discussion. If I wasn’t about to have a baby we would do just comfort measures and let his body fight and his doctor is slow to prescribe antibiotics, which we like. But with a new baby arriving we may want to confirm that’s what this is and start him on meds? I’m not sure.

And did I mention our babysitter for the younger two kids called to say her son has the chicken pox? Yep. Arranging a babysitter should not be the most complicated and stressful part of a birth.

Ultrasound this morning to check my scar. Wednesday I’ll try to get my last pre-baby haircut. Thursday is history group. Friday is a lunch group with women from church and Saturday is the stake water park party that Kit will take the older kids to if I’m not in labor.

Someone from the primary presidency (kids’ group at church) came into his class yesterday to ask C if he would be there next week - probably asking him to give a talk or prayer. He told us his answer was, “We’re about to have a baby any day now so I’m not sure.” How cute is that?? We’ve not said that to him so it made us chuckle but it’s accurate. A new friend made us a great baby gift, I’ll have to post a picture because she wrapped it in a leopard print paper and Kit was carrying it around church all afternoon. She sewed us a sage green hooded bath towel that Bennett and Emy are already fighting over.

Seriously, I’m having a baby in the next week or so??

I thought I had written this up on the blog, a quote from Zenzele, which I learned about in graduate school during my cynical stage and then loved so much I used it as a text for the class I taught. The book has become one of my all time favorites and one I hope to read with my girls someday. Prompted by a discussion about another blog & a prior blog post of my own, here’s the quote:

Shiri, at the end of the day you will meet only two men in your life: One will make your hands tremble, the other will make them steady. The first will be your passion of youth, but like the blazing fires of the bush, it will soon die to glowing embers, then cool ashes. The second will enter your life quietly, like a thief in the night. He will be like the mighty trees in the forest that we do not see before us, yet they are there, strong and tall; in rain and sun, they dig their roots deep and shade us with their leaves. It is the second one you must marry. He will be a good husband and father to your children.

Nothing stirred in me the day that I met your father. He deftly entered my life just as my mother had predicted, like a silent thief. Perhaps it shall go differently with you. Either way, I hope those graceful hands will know the lightness of tremor and the peaceful gravity that a beloved heart brings.

Such a good book, wonderful read, go check it out or come borrow my copy.

This is one of my favorite recipes. I first had it in my childhood in El Paso, TX, and I have some really positive associations with it. (If you knew more about my childhood, positive associations with anything is really saying something.) The recipe was lost, however. In an effort to quell my cravings, I decided to look around for the recipe online, but none of the versions I found seemed quite right.

So I improvised a little — nailed it. Here’s what we have.

1 T butter
1 t minced garlic
1 T dehydrated onion flakes
1 C uncooked rice
1 3/4 C chicken stock

1 chicken breast

1 C sour cream
4 oz chopped green chiles
3 C colby jack or monterey jack cheese, grated

Melt butter in 3 qt saucepan. Add minced garlic and onions. If you want to add fresh onions, please do. I didn’t have any, so dehydrated are fine. Sauté garlic and onions for a moment. Add cup of uncooked rice and coat with butter-onion-garlic mixture. Toasting the rice a little bit is fine here.

Bring the chicken stock to a boil in the device of your choosing — I chose the microwave. Add the boiling stock to the rice, stir it around once, then cover and simmer on low for 20 minutes. If you choose to add four or five strands of saffron to the rice, now is the time to do that. (HA!)

While the rice is going, broil the chicken breast to an internal temp of 145-150° F. White meat is done at an internal temp of 160, so why not take it all the way? Because you’re going to be adding the chicken to piping hot rice in a few minutes, and that will take it the rest of the way to done.

Simple seasoning is great for the chicken: put a little olive oil on the breast, little kosher salt, little cracked pepper, broil in the toaster oven. Why not cook it on top on the rice, you ask? You’re full of questions today. It’s really easy to completely and utterly overcook the chicken when poaching it on top of the rice. Trust me. Chicken leather is not tasty.

When the chicken hits 145°, pull it out and let it cool for a moment. Your rice will be done momentarily, but before it is, get the cheese, sour cream, and green chiles ready. Canned is fine for the chiles, really.

Cut the chicken into bite-sized morsels.

After your 20 minutes for the rice is up, immediately put the rice, chicken, sour cream, and chiles into a medium-large bowl. Combine two-thirds of the cheese. Spread mixture into the bottom of an ungreased 9×9 dish. Top with the remaining third of the cheese.

You can serve the dish at any time now, once the cheese on top gets all melty. Bonus flavor points if you stick the whole thing under the broiler for a few minutes and gently toast the cheese on top.

It started with Moira coming in to announce she’s a super spy. And we really had to admire her super discrete spy outfit.

Then of course the other kids all wanted to be Super Spies!

I have no idea why they decided that pose was for Super Spies, but they sure cracked us up.

Birthday Cake
4 eggs 
2 c. sour cream 
3/4 c. oil 
1 devil’s food cake mix 
1 sm. pkg. instant pudding mix (if we have it?)
1 cup chocolate chips 
1 1/3 c. water
 
Mix together; pour into bundt pan; bake at 350 degrees for 34-40 min. or until done. 
Top with buttermilk caramel frosting (stored in fridge.)

Hot Artichoke Dip 
8 oz. cream cheese (softened) 
1 c. mayo
1 garlic clove, pressed (1/2 t. diced garlic)
14 oz. artichoke hearts in water, drained and chopped 
1/4 c. grated Parmesan cheese 
1/3 c. thinly sliced green onions with tops (from garden)
1 lemon (2 T lemon juice if lemon is gone)
1/8 tsp. ground black pepper 

Mix all ingredients together & can store in fridge. When time, bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes, until edges are golden brown. Serve with crackers.

Fruit Dip
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
2 tablespoons orange juice
1/4 cup confectioners’ sugar (optional)
1 (7 ounce) jar marshmallow creme
sprinkle cinnamon

Combine ahead of time and chill, serve with fruit (pineapple chunks, banana slices, apples, grapes, etc. Whatever we have in the house.)

Buttermilk Ranch Dip
• 1/2 c buttermilk
• 1/2 c cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1/2 teaspoon dried chives (1 t fresh from garden)
• 1/2 teaspoon dried parsley (1 t fresh from garden)
• 1 teaspoon dried dill weed
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/4 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
Combine ahead of time and chill, serve with veggies.

Sparkling apple cider, root beer, bottled water into fridge; strawberry limeade mixed up in glass pitcher (limeade, ginger ale, strawberry sauce.)

Okay, I keep adding and subtracting songs. Now I’ve got:

Labor 1 - fast (early labor) with 1.5 hours of 23 songs.
Labor 2 - slow (hard labor) with 59 minutes and 14 songs.
Labor 3 - focus songs (transition/pushing) with 10.8 minutes and 3 songs. Two of those songs we’ll be using on Mojo’s birth video.

Yep, I’m thinking 10.8 minutes of transition and pushing would be lovely. So long as it’s enough time to squeeze Mojo’s lungs and get the fluid out, I’m happy! I only pushed with Mo for 5 minutes and she wasn’t too congested sounding.

I told my midwife I was only planning to use the tub for early labor, not for delivering. She laughed and said, “So the first 15 minutes?” I have more early labor than that but I’ll be happy with any labor that produces a healthy baby! I know in the big scheme of things this is just a tiny moment. (Remind me of that when I’m in the moment and thinking I cannot possibly survive another labor, okay?)

My midwife made a comment this week that made me laugh but got me thinking. I reminded her of my mother’s birth story (my grandmother planning an unassisted homebirth and not telling her husband until she was too far along to go to the hospital) and my midwife laughed and said, “So that’s where you got your defiant spirit.”

I hadn’t thought of it as defiant. I just know I grew up realizing there were alternatives to the hospital and knowing my grandmother disliked the hospital enough to plot to avoid it during a time when babies were born at hospitals. And then to be old enough to remember my mother giving birth to my youngest three sisters and hearing her express how she wished she could have a different birth experience (she was in military hospitals and fighting their protocols when stirrups and wrist straps were standard.) I grew up hearing these stories and thinking the hospital was clearly NOT the ideal. Though I’m sure my grandmother and mother had no idea how much I would be influenced by their stories.

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I can tell I’m getting close, I’m getting claustrophobic in my own skin. Probably because there is someone frantically trying to get out of my skin these days. You should have seen the kicks when when did the plaster cast, it warms up and the baby was going wild. I had contractions all day Thursday but they let up Friday and went back to the 4 to 6 an hour (instead of the 4 to 6 ever half hour) which was a nice break.

Yesterday I did my eye exam and as I drove down the street in a car alone (with a backseat full of carseats still) a song came on the radio that I remember hearing in college during my ridiculous road trip years when I would feel an urge to get to LA and would jump in the car and drive literally all night - sometimes leaving at 10pm, sometimes leaving at 3am and spend 9 hours racing to California. By myself, I would make that nine hour drive through the desert sometimes with no cell phone by myself (not that they had signals for cell phones out there at that point) just to run away. To not be on my campus with my work and my classes, to just get to James and the beach and Claremont and sleep in a place with open windows and a lemon tree out front and lay in the sun with the beach breeze and the waves in my ears. For years and years, I would get an urge to run away and I would get in my car and go - windows down, stereo blaring, clearing thinking I was immortal as I sped down the dark interstate. Rather impulsive.

That’s what I remember, being 21 and my little sporty car with the great stereo and manual transmission that was way too much fun to drive. I thought of that as I drove my Saturn station wagon (still with manual transmission, not quite as sporty! ) Filled with carseats and old sippy cups and sunshades to protect my babies. Here I am, 10 years later. The urge to just go, to just keep driving hit me… and then the baby gave me a really good wallop and I started laughing. It’s not that I wanted to run away from the kids (they were all at home with Kit making dinner) - it’s just the last few months I keep wanting to GO, to get in the car and go and take a vacation, get a break from the phone and the sorting and cleaning and the anxiety of pregnancy after a preemie. To just find some quiet time somewhere to rest and be alone and to think straight. But I’m pregnant, and I can’t leave the metroplex. Not that with these gas prices we would be doing some enormous road trip! And not that I want to run away from my family. I think I wanted to run away from my fears about the pregnancy.

I was remembering that sense of complete freedom, 10 years ago. With no more serious concern than getting back in time for class on Monday (which I often skipped to extend my road trips) and getting my work shift covered. When it was just me and my thoughts and I had freedom to be that selfish.

I don’t want that back. I really, really don’t. I know that back then, what I wanted most was THIS life I’m living now with all the love and adoration of this passel of wild children and being married to my best friend and living in this great house with this wonderful life we’ve been blessed with…

So why this urge to run?? I think it’s my nature, when I’m told I cannot leave I want to leave. I’m so pregnant now that an airline wouldn’t even let me at the gate I’m sure. No one wants to catch a baby in the air. I dreamt about it last night, that I was given tickets to take my family to the beach and we couldn’t go because tomorrow I’M 37 WEEKS PREGNANT!! Before I couldn’t travel because of the risk of complications, now I can’t travel because I’m so pregnant I can go into labor ANY MINUTE! It’s wonderful!!

I think this means I’m getting close to delivery. Well, statistically speaking I’m getting close since I had two babies a week from now, right? Not tough math there… Chances are in the next 2 weeks I’ll have a baby in my arms.

I just don’t know what to do with these urges to run away and seek quiet solitude and peace somewhere… those nine hours of driving gave me a lot of time to think, to ponder, to reflect on what I wanted and who I was and I have no TIME for that now because I am living it. I think back then I felt like I was waiting for my life to start, thinking at some magically appointed life event my “life” would suddenly begin, but no milestone provided that… I just had to realize I was living my life already and I needed to enjoy it.

But right now, about to pop with our baby, it does feel like a strange sense of impending “something-ness” about to begin. Similar to the week you’re about to graduate from college or begin grad school or the night before your wedding when you know everything is about to change! I’m going to have a baby!! Really, really soon! And I’ve not had much time to even pause and really think about that and this pregnancy has raced by and wait a second, I’M HAVING A BABY!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN and how in the world did these nine months fly by???

This means I’m about ready to pop, huh? When my brain starts to realize what my body is about to do and I totally freak out? Wait, this child has to come out somehow and I’m now getting really big and OUCH, this is not going to be easy!! Hmm…